Saturday, February 7, 2009
Quick Tips: Aircraft Manufacturers
AIRCRAFT MANUFACTURERS! Why not consider using the material used in the Black Box for the whole plane.
Quick Tips: Cinama-goers
CINEMA-GOERS! Save your time and money by not going to see the Blair Witch Project. Instead, fill a large plastic bag with dry leaves. Then shake the bag while the light is switched off.
Quick Tips: Judges
JUDGES! Have a bit of harmless fun with the accused when giving judgment - take out a black hanky and put it on your head.
Anniversary
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.
But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.
But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Two sides of the story
Two sides of the story
Her side of the story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no.
But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his flat, I said I loved him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.
We finally get back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me!
So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10
minutes, he Joined me in bed and we had sex.
But he still seemed really distracted,so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep.
I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
His side of the story:
Yankees lost. Tired. Bit drunk. Got laid though.
Her side of the story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no.
But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his flat, I said I loved him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.
We finally get back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me!
So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10
minutes, he Joined me in bed and we had sex.
But he still seemed really distracted,so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep.
I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
His side of the story:
Yankees lost. Tired. Bit drunk. Got laid though.
Go on, tell them
Go on, tell them
This story occurred on Melbourne radio recently.
One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their
spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the
answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Gidday its FOX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one
Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line,say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question.
How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question.
Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse!
Instant Radio Silence. Advert.
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.
This story occurred on Melbourne radio recently.
One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their
spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the
answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Gidday its FOX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one
Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line,say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question.
How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question.
Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse!
Instant Radio Silence. Advert.
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.
Quick Tips: Clairvoyants
CLAIRVOYANTS! Instead of booking expensive TV commercials asking people to ring you looking for their horoscopes, show your customers what you're made of by calling them *just* before they pick up the phone.
Quick Tips: If you win the Lottery
IF YOU WIN THE LOTTERY... Buy up every ticket for each night Garth Brooks plays his local gigs. Then stand in the middle of the field, wait for the big turd to finish his first song, then shout "YOU'RE SHIT!" and walk out.
The second night would involve the same thing - after the first song simply shout "YOU'RE STILL SHIT!" and walk out
The second night would involve the same thing - after the first song simply shout "YOU'RE STILL SHIT!" and walk out
Quick Tips: X-Files Fans
Quick Tips
X-FILES FANS! Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by simply drinking two bottles of vodka. The following morning you will invariably wake up in a strange place, having had your memory mysteriously "erased".
X-FILES FANS! Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by simply drinking two bottles of vodka. The following morning you will invariably wake up in a strange place, having had your memory mysteriously "erased".
Why Microsoft shouldn't make cars
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
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